Let's talk about writing descriptively today.
I've got three examples we're going to dive into from really varied sources: Ernest Hemingway, Brandon Boyd of Incubus, and Sylvia Plath.
Who needs a metaphor? Not Hemingway.
Hemingway said: "A writer's style should be direct and personal, his imagery rich and earthy, and his words simple and vigorous."
Let’s see how he executes this, shall we? Here's an excerpt from The Sun Also Rises. We'll dissect what’s happening here.
“In the morning I walked down the Boulevard to the rue Soufflot for coffee and brioche. It was a fine morning. The horse-chestnut trees in the Luxembourg gardens were in bloom. There was the pleasant early-morning feeling of a hot day. I read the papers with the coffee and then smoked a cigarette. The flower-women were coming up from the market and arranging their daily stock. Students went by going up to the law school, or down to the Sorbonne. The Boulevard was busy with trams and people going to work.”
Pretty vivid mental picture, right?
It’s enjoyable to read because the scene he’s created for us is rich with detail, but it’s done simply. He’s not being overly flowery: In fact, his sentences are declarative, fact-based, and direct.
The vocabulary he writes with is basic, but he’s painting a visual picture here (without a single metaphor, mind you.) He’s letting you see through his eyes, observing a scene as it unfolds around him.
Sure, he could’ve just wrote: In the morning I got coffee and breakfast. It was warm. People were walking around.
But he didn’t. He filled out the scene with more detail, engaging the senses along the way: The feeling of the sun’s warmth on his skin, the smell of coffee and cigarette smoke in the air, the noise of trams and people making their way to work or school.
You can do that, too. Paint pictures for your readers with details. Think about speaking to the different senses. Take readers along with you on a trip back into your memory and put them in the scene as the action unfolds.
Be like Brandon Boyd: Don’t come right out and say it.
I was re-listening to Incubus’s Morning View album a few weeks ago and the lyrics from the song 11 am jumped out at me as another great example of descriptive writing.
Rather than coming right out and saying what’s happening during a scene, Boyd describes a setting to conjure up a vision in the listener’s mind. Take a read of some of my favorite verses from the song:
7 am
The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away
Let’s start with this first verse.
I liked that the onomatopoeia he used (beeps) isn’t the sound of an alarm clock, as that’s what you’d expect in a morning-centered verse. Instead, he uses the sound of the garbage truck, which then tees up a metaphor related to how he’s thinking of something discarded and thrown away, which plays at the undercurrent of a deeper emotional loss.
Three lines guys...he did all this in three lines.
But it doesn’t stop there. At the bookend of the song, we get another strong mental picture from the end of the day. (Now, remember this is from 2001, mmmkay? The phone he’s talking about is a landline.)
12 pm and my dusty telephone rings
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope it’s you
He didn’t just write: The phone rang late at night and I didn’t know who it was.
He tells us the phone is dusty (because it hasn’t been used in a while.) There’s an implied loneliness and isolation.
He tells us he’s waking up from a deep sleep.
He tells us what thought ran through his mind at the sound of the ringing phone.
We’re getting all of these clues about the emotional undertone of the person within the scene in just a few words.
The next time you want to do the same, ask yourself: What emotional context can I provide? How can I set the tone of the scene? What clues should I give the reader about what the character is thinking and feeling?
You don’t have to come right out and say it, but be sure to drop some clues.
Lean on the fig tree like Sylvia Plath.
Plath is verrrrry into the metaphor, and while sometimes writers have a tendency to get in the weeds and carried away with them, she does a great job of keeping things focused to take full advantage of this writing device.
Take a look at this fig tree metaphor from The Bell Jar:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America...I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
Plath isn’t talking about actually sitting under a fig tree that’s dropping expired fruit. She’s using the tree as a metaphor for the opportunities she has to choose from in her life and how her indecision (and inability to choose from and act on them) is resulting missed moments and possibilities gone by.
It’s far more interesting to read her describe it with the fig metaphor than just having her come right out and lament about things in plain language. The metaphor here lends some artistic flair and some depth you wouldn’t fully get if it were laid out differently and metaphor-free.
Plus: She uses some interesting word choices throughout that kind of smack you in the face and make you pay attention:
She’s not sitting against the tree, she’s sitting in the crotch of it.
The figs plop (again: onomatopoeia!) on the ground, turn black, and shrivel (very visual.)
Metaphors can be tricky: If not well-executed, they can come across as cheesy, or overdone, or downright trite.
If you want to employ a metaphor, try to use your creative brain muscles and come up with comparisons that are fresh, unique, and maybe even a little off-beat. Your readers will appreciate the originality.
***
These were just a few examples that have been floating around in my brain recently, but my hope is that by sharing them and breaking down what’s working within them, you’ll become more aware and do the same as you read/listen to words from different writers and artists.
Make note of what sticks with you, then break down why.
It’ll make you a more observant reader/listener and definitely a better writer.
This article originally appeared in my newsletter, A Cup of Copy. Sign up and get these free tips sent right to your inbox every other Wednesday.