In two months, I’ll be celebrating the 10-year anniversary of leaving my full-time job (I worked in marketing/PR for a non-profit straight out of college) to pursue freelance writing *totally on my own.*
Ten years is a long time.
I don’t think we often give ourselves time to pause, look back, and say, “Whoa. There went 3,560 days. Look at everything I accomplished in that time frame.” For a while, I was writing up annual “year in review” recaps as a form of reflection:
(Apologies for a few (now) broken links and some cringey writing in there…I was a baby, okay?)
I fell off writing these after 2020 because, by the end of the year, I was fried and had no mental bandwidth left to pour into writing these. But even after the annual writeups, a lot happened: my business weathered the pandemic, the economic downturn/inflation, AI-powered writing tools…all very challenging things! And look! I made it through!
But the thing is…I gotta be honest here. I’m tired. Like, bone-tired.
I can’t say I’ve ever fully unplugged from this career since it started. Work is always within arm’s reach thanks to the tiny computers we carry around now and my inability to just freakin’ relax.
I’ve lived in a constant state of stress/anxiety/fear that everything I’ve built is going to fall apart. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way (maybe you’re feeling this exact thing right now, in fact.) But for me, I’ve decided that something’s got to give. It’s time to push pause and figure out what’s next.
Sure, I could keep plowing on with business as usual. The money is good, the work is challenging, and damnit, I’m good at it!
But just because those things are true, does it mean I should keep going full speed ahead?
Right now, for me, the answer is no. Because something in my (brain? body? spirit? soul? whatever you call it) is saying STOP. So I’m trying to be deliberate, to slow down, and to listen.
I’m only a few weeks into it, and it is *scary.* I’m not kidding! It’s honestly terrifying not to be busy; I’ve become so used to it that I don’t really know what to do with my free time. I find myself sitting at my desk without realizing how I got there, opening my email, and feeling the urge to “check in” and “touch base” with clients I haven’t heard from in a few weeks.
In those moments, I have to re-wire my brain and give myself permission to get up, go outside, or pick up a book. It’s good timing; the fall weather here in the Midwest is hard to resist, and when I do go for a hike, run, or just sit in the shade and read, I really, truly feel better. (Who’d have thought, right?!)
I still don’t know what’s ahead for me. I don’t like information gaps and any self-imposed uncertainty, but I’m sitting with it all and trying not to force next steps or building a plan of action.
Also, a note: I fully realize I say all this from a place of privilege. That is not lost on me, and I’m very grateful for the opportunity to be able to step off the gas a bit. It took me a long time to get here, and I’m constantly grappling with my feelings about financial security/self-worth that are still inside my head screaming, “GET BACK TO WORK!”
For now, I’m asking that voice inside my head to sit down and be quiet. It has been a powerful motivator for years, but I am respectfully requesting that it 🤐 for now. (So far, so good.)
A few books I’m reading that are helping me navigate this weird transitional period:
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May
This is a great personal narrative interwoven with insights pulled from literature, mythology, and more...all related to the transformative power of rest and retreat. From solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation to C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath, this cozy read makes me feel okay about taking a much-needed rest.
How to Live: Or a Life of Montaigne in One Question and Twenty Attempts at an Answer by Sarah Blakewell
This is a context-rich look at the philosopher Montaigne’s life and the questions he grappled with during his life, including big ones like “How to live?” It’s been a fascinating look at how, despite centuries passing, we as humans ultimately come back to this question and do our best to answer it and live accordingly.
This Must Be the Place by Jami Nato
As a person who spends a lot of time thinking about the past (never the future!), this book has been incredibly insightful, funny, and easy to read, with good prompts for self-reflection. It feels like having a good friend cheer you on as you work on self-improvement.
The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin
This is a pick-up-put-down read for me (the writing style is very simple and short-form, so it’s not one I’d read all the way through at once) with a lot of good food for thought about what it means to be a creative person and live an authentic, fulfilling version of that. Sort of like having a wise old sage whisper in your ear. I love it.
So...what am I doing right now with said free time?
Along with reading and *touching grass* as the kids say, I'm also leaning into "just for fun" projects like the Off The Clock podcast I co-host with two friends who agreed they, too, wanted to make a show about ANYTHING BUT WORK.
I've started running again and going to the gym/exercise classes (of which I keep track with my accountability calendar.)
Taking my dog, Brooks, on outdoor adventures (let's be real, I'm just his Uber driver. He tells me where to go, and I oblige.)
A final thought: Every time I write one of these posts, it feels a little like screaming into the void. I can’t see you there, but it means a lot if you read this far. I wanted to take the time to write and share this with you today because maybe it’s a cold comfort to hear someone else is *going through it.*
